UPS Gallimaufry
(phone rings) This is Susan, may I help you? Yes, this is Gerber with UPS and, uh, we been tryin' to deliver there for...three attempts now and..and no one's been there sign for the parcel. I'm not sure what you're talking about- That's- This is a company. It's open from...8 to 5 every day. I hear that every day. I-I don't know...(scoff) where are you trying to deliver? Well, our driver's been there and he says that you and he have had a scuffle...of some kind. A scuffle? He's Bangladeshi, ma'am. (scoff) Hello, I'm not even in the offices, I'm in the Chicago area? Well, that's part of the problem... And if he's trying to deliver to Gaggle? All he has to do is go in the front door or call them and let them know that there's a parcel. We have UPS delivered to our location every day. Uhhhhh...if you're not even there, I think that's part of the problem. So, step one would be for you to...actually be present and accountable, okay? I don't...Ha-hang on just a minute. I'm at a pay phone ma'am, I'm a truck driver. Do you understand? O-Okay, okay...I understand what you're saying... (echo) Okay? But... (echo) Yeah? I-I...No, I don't understand what you're say-So, what it- (echo) Wha? ' Who are you trying to deliver ''from? (echo) '''Wa ee aa oo oo aa. (echo stops) Is it yes or no? A-are you gonna be in the office or not? is what I'm trying to get to the bottom of here. (echo) Aa ee oo aa ee oo aa ee ayayayaya. (echo stops) Our driver's Bangladeshi, if you need an interpreter, I just need to put in a request for one and I'll have him accompany our driver. I have no idea what you're trying to deliver. There's never, ever been an issue of trying to deliver something to our offices from UPS. Are you from United Postal Service? I'm with United Parcel Service, ma'am. (quiet echo, fades out) yayayayaya... Okay, United Parcel Service. (echo) Yaa oo kee gaa yoo (tone) gai gee gow... No- (echo) Gaa hi yoo gaa haa... Please- (echo) Yai yai kai haa... Hello? Yes? I don't know what's wrong with this phone, but...everytime I try to say something, there's an issue. Um... If you're not in the office-''' Who is the delivery- 'You need to be present and accountable. That'd be step one for you to actually ''be present for your parcel, do you understand? (echo) Oh ay ay cho cho chai chai tontontonton. I-Yeah, that's not gonna happen. I'm in Chicago, they're in Bloomington. First of all, I don't have any idea what you're trying to deliver. And second of all...I-I-I'm...I'm at a loss, I've never talked to anybody, call me and talk to me so ignorantly as you are. (echo) Uhhh, you're the one, uh, (echo stops) not in the office. And you...think we're United Postal Service, so who's ''ignorant, you or me? And just because our driver's Bangladeshi does not deserve-' I have- '''Your disrespect. That has nothing to do with it! I don't-I-I don't understand...what you're saying! (echo, fades out) I hear that all the time. But you're a company and...So, you're with United Parcel Service? Yes, I am, ma'am! 14 months I've worked here (echo). And...Okay, that's great and so tell me- (echo) Yeah, sure is! Where- I'm a teamster! Where is the parcel coming from? Who-Who's sending it to us? I'm tryin' to reach Susan at Gaggle. And if you're not even in the office, that'd be job one is to hightail it up'air. ''You...''follow? Because I hear this every day, "Oh, I'm not there, I'm here, I'm somewhere else." I'm 130 miles away from there. Now I- Oohh.... Can't hightail it ''up there. 'Big mistake.' We have remote workers all over the place. '(echo, fades out) Oohh...(echo stops) Big problem. Major problem. This is signature required, ma'am!' Then anybody in my office can sign for something. '(echo, fades out) Nnnno, no, no, no, no...(echo stops) Listen, show a little respect, our driver's Bangladeshi, okay?' Uh, you know? You keep saying that, I have no idea what you're saying- '''Wah?!' And...did you walk into my offices? Ma'am, this'll be our ''fourth attempt, ''do you appreciate what that means (echo)? I do, but this is the first time I'm ever hearing about it. (echoing gibberish quietly) Major problem. Big problem! We need your signature, it's COD $97.20. Whatever the problem is, you're just gonna have to send it back because I'm not there- You're just gonna have to double time it, ''double time ''to the office, quit lollygaggin', and we'll get this resolved today. I'd like it done before the weekend. I'm spending change outta my own pocket! What is your name? What is your name? Gerber. And you work for United Parcel Service? (echoing gibberish) Oh, we're back on that again, huh? Okay... Yeah, sure do, comin' up on 14 months. I just had my year anniversary. You know, I, I, you know, I don't understand why you're getting so nasty with me. (echo) Nasty? I'm trying to tell you I am 130 miles away from that office, and I don't recall ordering anything that has ninety-seven dollars due on it. Nor would I have ordered anything that would be payment upon receipt. I have no idea what it is that you're trying to deliver. (echo) Ohhhhhhhh. I hear that all the time. Oh, I don't know about this. (hang up sound) - (ring) This is Susan, may I help you? Yes, this is Heath. Um, I'm an accountant with United Parcel Service. I'm looking at a past due here. Wanted to know if we could resolve this here today by phone with credit card or routing number? You know I think you called me last week on this, and I ended up hanging up because the information that you give me is not valid. First of all, we don't order anything C.O.D., and you cannot tell me who the shipper is, and where it's coming from. And we deal with UPS on a daily basis, and they come into our office, we have an account with them, so we would never be getting anything C.O.D. So I don't know what your thing is, but... OK, let me know when i can speak. And see that, that's the other thing; the person that I spoke to last week was rude, and you're being rude too, and UPS would never talk to me like this. You have a flag on your account, that's why I'm calling. You have a problematic account, and to receive your parcel, we do need payment. So we have a flag on our account, and we're problematic? Uhhhhh, Yes ma'am. Uhhh (sound effects) Well, who is that accounts name in? If you want to give us a routing number, ahh, you know we can satisfy... Whose, ah who, whose account is it, is this, how can, who... Is this a C.O.D. that you're talking about? How much is owed on it? Four-hundred-twelve dollars and eighty eight cents. Four-hundred-twelve dollars and eighty eight cents? Wow. And where is it coming from? You don't wish to satisfy the debt. Is what I'm hearing. I want to know who the sender is. And you have a problem with our driver based on his ethnicity, is apparently what I'm hearin'. You know, you guys said that last time, and here's the problem... (with sound effects) Ahhhh, yeah, what's that? Here's the problem, is that, you know, I'm not even in the office, I told you that last time, so I wouldn't even know his ethenticity (sic). So you know what, I'm, I'm gonna, um, tell you that whatever you've got, you just need to send it back to whoever you got it from, because... That's fine, we still need four-twelve eighty-eight. You know, you're being rude, and that would not be something that we would do. (hang up sound) - ** Incomplete transcription - ~6:25 - 11:00 has not yet been transcribed. ** - (Ring) Richardson's (?), May I help you? United Parcel Service, I'm an administrator. Ok. Our driver's been out there two times, we want assurances that you'll be there today for his third attempt. Ok, driver's been here two times, how do I know he was here? 'Cause I'm telling you. Ok, that's good, usually people leave a note, like the postal service, they're coming back, what time, the tracking number, ok? Do you have the check prepared? Check for what? I didn't order anything. Uh, twenty-one-hundred dollars. I guess you've got the wrong address, because we don't order anything for twenty-one-hundred dollars. The item is a trapezoid. It's coming to unit one, do you understand? wha, wha, wha, what, wha, wha, wha what product is it? What is it? It's a trapezoid. What?!? What do you mean what? It's a trapezoid. So I need you to get ready, and get the funds drawn. (hang up sound) - (ring) Richardson's (?), my I help you? This is Swift, with UPS. We have a parcel that no one has signed for. We sell only shoes. I don't know what kind of parcel you have, but I, but I, but I don't order anything, so you guys maybe want to scam somebody, or try some kind of bullshit, but I don't know what you guys are doing, so you guys calling the wrong number. You have a flag on your account. Flag on the account? Perfect! I'm glad I have a flag on my account. No, it's a bad thing. It's not a good thing. No, don't worry about it. The package is from Bathroom Fantasies. Bathroom Fantasies? Well, I don't know, you got the wrong address, it's not us. Nope, bullshit. (hangup sound) -- (ring) Hello? Yes, sir, I'm from UPS, what appears to be the problem up there? I don't know what's your problem, man. We don't really order this kind of product. What are you, what are you, wha, what are you trying to do? Can you explain to me? Uh, you've got a flag on your account. Whatever, now, forget about it. What exactly you're talking about? What product you're talking, you're trying to ship it to me? Plus, like usually UPS comes, and they ship it normally, they don't call in advance. We've been out there twice, nobody answered the door, and it's C.O.D. Alright, we're here right now! You can come over. I didn't order this product you're talking about. We're here right now. You're welcome to come over. We need the funds prepared before we come out there to pay for your item... I don't know what item you're talking about! And we've been here for a long time, and we never get that kind of UPS. So you come over, UPS never confirms COD products. What are you talking about, man? Sir, I've worked here... ...Please stop calling! You have some products, come over and drop it off, here. Stop calling! Did you hear me?!? ...Pay for your item. No, I need you to pay for your package. What the fuck you're talking about!?! STOP FUCKING CALLING OVER HERE!!! You fucking stupid! (Hang up sound) --- (Ring) How can I help you? This is Swift, with United Parcel Service. I'm an administrator here. I don't believe you are. Eighteen months I've worked here, sir. We've attempted to deliver a parcel twice, this is our third attempt. That's C.O.D. tonight. Well, have the guy bring it by my office, I'll pay for it. Just have your UPS driver come between now and four o'clock. (Hang up sound) --- (Ring) How can I help you? I'm afraid you've got a flag on your account with UPS. You've got a problematic account, so we'd like a credit card number. I'm not giving you a credit card number over the phone, I don't even know who the hell you are. I'm Swift, with UPS, I'm an account executive. I don't know what Swift is. (high pitched) That's my name. Just fucking relax, dude. I mean, you're calling me from a mobile phone. I'm not gonna pick up and give you a credit card number over the phone. I'll call UPS. You've already got me on the line. Who works for UPS, you or me? I don't know if your fucking UPS! Fuck off! (Hang up sound) --- (Ring) Hi, how can I help you? This is Swift with UPS calling. Our driver's been out there two times trying to deliver your parcel. No one answered, and I want to make sure someone's gonna be there, before we come back out... Um, who am I speaking with again? I'm Swift. In reference to? United Parcel Service, sir. Alright? Now I'm totally confused, as to what you're saying to me, I have no idea what you're talking about. What is it in reference to? Ok, backing up, sir. Our driver's been out there twice, no one was available to sign for your parcel, ok? Where? He's been where twice? To your establishment. I want to make sure you're gonna be there, and you're gonna have a check prepared for our driver, IF he does come back 'ere a third time, alright? (warped sound effects throughout). This, this, this...whoever I'm speaking with, or to, or whatever, I cannot understand, because it's going from one voice to another. I'm an administrator, our driver's the one you'll be meeting with. So just get that straight... Ok, again, can I go back please, sir? Please, please, please, please, please, I am an employee here. I am an employee, not the owner, whoever, to sign, whatever. I have no idea what you're talking about. Four-hundred and eighty-seven dollars and thirty-three cents, is due on the parcel. You want, you want Thomas Anton? I need to talk to you today, sir, and get this worked out. Who...again you are talking to me, but I think you've got the wrong person. Well, why don't you give me a routing number, and we'll take care of the... I don't have a routing number. Well what do you have? A credit card? No, I have nothing. I have nothing at all what you're talking about. Well, then you'll have to provide a check... Again... ...Do you understand? ...I'm not the owner of this company! why would I have to...I'm an employee of this company. There's like one-hundred and fifty people that work here, so why are you saying that I have to have a check ready for you? Sir, who, who's the administrator at UPS? You or me? You are, but you're telling me what I have to do, why do I have do...I don't work for you, I work for Yellow Bird. This is how it works, do you understand? No I don't. I think you have the wrong individual, you're talking to the wrong person. Hold on for a minute. (ringing sound) (Female voice) Why do you keep calling him? He doesn't know who you are. (LPC) I'm Swift. You're Swift? And you're calling from? I'm an administrator, ma'am. You know you keep calling, and the man doesn't know what you're talking about. You're upsetting him, I'm not going to have him have a heart attack in my office. Don't call back. (Hang up sound) --- (Ring) Good afternoon, Yellow Bird. My name's Swift with UPS. I'm supposed to pick up a check there. Why would you pick up a check from us? For what? For delivery. What delivery? (bird sounds) The one you're paying for, ma'am. What delivery, SIR?!? Can I talk to somebody who has some authority, please? You are, that's why I picked up the phone, since you harassing everyone else. I need a check or a credit card number or a routing number. WHAT?!? First of all, what is it that you want from me, since I don't know what package you're talking about? You're picking up a check, an invisible check, I have no clue what you are speaking of. You owe us four-hundred and eighty-eight dollars and thirty-three cents. From WHAAAAAT!!??!! Where, where is this package? What does this package contain? It's from Bathroom Fantasies, it contains Septic Jelly. Are these bathroom toys? Ma'am, it's none of my concern. Just cut the check, and we'll get it done. I am not cutting you any damn check. Come here with a UPS truck, and your badge AND my package! Since you say we ordered the package. I want to see what's in this package. Read us the routing number, and we'll get it done. End of story, let's do this and get it over with. Who the hell do you think you are?!? You've got a flag on your account. Awesome! Awesome! What's that supposed to mean to me? Absolutely nothing! Who's the administrator, you or me? I don't even know who you are. You prob...you probably work on the corner, I don't know where the hell you work. You could tell me, you could tell me you work for the president for all I give a shit. I don't know you! You're a man annoying me on the other line. Cut the check and we'll get it done. (echo and repeat on 'done'). (imitating LPC echo) do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. You need a new career, babe. You don't know how to do your job, ok? Send it back to sender, stop calling my effing phone, and we'll all be effing happy! (hang up sound) (end of track) Category:Medleys Category:Special delivery